Haven’t you heard? Love is love is love.

When I was in school, my very first crush was on my best friend. Now, that’s a normal thing to happen. Hormones have gone haywire and the dorky person you have always known suddenly becomes attractive to you. It would have all been okay if my best friend would have been a guy. She wasn’t and I definitely wasn’t.

Once, while hanging out in my room, she ended up reading my diary and she found out about my feelings for her. To put it lightly, she wasn’t happy about it. She belonged to an orthodox family and they had always taught her that girls can never like other girls. The look of hatred on her face still brings tears to my eyes.

It took me some time to get over my crush and to get over the friendship we had once shared. When I did emerge successful in my efforts, I had already started dating this cute guy from my school. I really liked him too! Almost as much as I had liked my ex-best friend. And that’s when I realised, I’m not a lesbian, not really.

I didn’t know it was possible to be into both men and women.

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When I was younger, I doubted myself so much. I didn’t know it was possible to be into both men and women. I only knew that I was and I thought I was the only one. After the entire unpleasant incident with my ex-best friend, I was extremely wary. I didn’t want to be shunned again for this particular part of myself. So, I hid it and it was not all that difficult. All I had to do was focus on the guys I dated.

Then I ended up going to a college in a metropolitan city where people with modern thoughts and awareness about queer rights existed. Somehow, I ended up mixing with a lot of people who were so at ease with their sexualities and others’ too. There was acceptance all around.

And yet, here I was still pretending to be completely straight. And as fate would have it, I was once again totally, pathetically in love with my new best friend. She was an outspoken woman who could reduce sexists and homophobes to tears. And I found her fierceness so sexy. But fear still held me back.

She showed me that it was possible to be kind while turning someone down.

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We were all chilling at a friend’s place once. It was near the sea and the sea always makes my emotions bubble up to the surface (even today). I blurted out my feelings to her while tears were blurring out my vision. She offered me a tissue and smiled. No, she didn’t feel the same about me but she was so honoured that someone could have such deep feelings for her.

Yeah, it hurt. It really hurt but you know what? She showed me that it was possible to be kind while turning someone down. After confessing my feelings for her in such an embarrassing manner, I didn’t feel ashamed of them. Not even a little.

She didn’t feel the same towards for me. But nevertheless, she accepted my feelings. It was this acceptance from her end that led me to a beautiful sort of self-acceptance. Now, I freely express my emotions regardless of the other person’s sex. Because they are always valid.

There are still so many people who try to make me feel like I’m abnormal or something. I don’t care anymore. To them, I say “Yes, I love both men and women because my heart is wide open to love; unlike yours.”

The girl who has accepted her bisexuality.

Author: Maitreyee Mhatre

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