You don’t know me but you’ve been inside me and that’s why I’m writing to you today.

It’s been over a year now since that dark, cold night. But it feels like yesterday. I remember every excruciating little detail – the cold street behind my back, your warm hands trailing my thighs, pushing my legs apart and then unconsciousness. After what you did to me, my life was divided into two halves – the before and the after.

I cut myself several times on the insides of my arms thinking the external pain will relieve me of the pain I felt on the inside. It didn’t. After several unsuccessful suicide attempts and months of crying and screaming senselessly into the night, I realized that by punishing myself, I’m letting you get away. And why was I punishing myself anyway? When you were the bastard, why should my heart bear the brunt?

I remember uncomfortably shuffling away from you and that’s when I said my first NO.

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Evidently, I remember every gory detail of that night but do you? Let’s refresh! Now forgive me for I remember the night only in flashes, thanks to you. I was there, doing my own thing when you walked up to me and made small talk. I remember uncomfortably shuffling away from you and that’s when I said my first NO. I didn’t verbally say the word but I thought it was implied.

But you didn’t quit. You came behind me after all and grazed my shoulder. I squirmed under your dirty touch. My second NO! I thought the night was the devil and I secretly hated myself for not listening to my Dad when he said that the world’s not safe at such hours. Silly me, to think I knew better.

I don’t want you to feel pain or guilt because no kind of pain will ever compensate for what I went through.

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Next, I remember being pushed to the ground and screaming the word out loud finally. I screamed NO a hundred times but I think that was what ‘got you going’. I could barely squirm under your heavy body that you had thrown on top of me and then I remember a dark unconsciousness. It felt like bliss at the moment.

I remember gaining consciousness for fractions when you pulled out and thrusted inside me again. Fast, rough, painful! My voice was now a whisper as I still struggled to say NO. Unconsciousness!

I awoke again to see you satisfied and pulling out of me. You wiped your hands as if I was the dirty one. The tears that streamed across my cheeks pleaded NO. But the damage was done!

Now if you ever do read this, I don’t want you to feel pain or guilt because no kind of pain will ever compensate for what I went through. But I wish one thing upon you. If you ever have a daughter of your own, I want you to live in the fear that someone might do to her what you did to me. I want you to remember my screams with every breath you take. And I want you to finally understand that NO means NO!

Love Hate,

Someone you no more possess.



Author: Zainab Haji

One comment

  1. This is so emotional, it made me cry. Literally!
    That man and all the other men who feel superior by doing this, need to read this and feel the same kind of pain. They should also go through the feeling of being raped. They will then know how one’s life changes!

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