Missing you is the hardest part of this breakup.

When we first met, I never thought we would actually end up dating. When we first started dating, I believed that we would never end. I always saw a forever in you. And we could have made it to marriage and a lifetime together. We loved each other so much but we failed to remind each other of our feelings. You were someone who never failed to make me smile but I failed to express my happiness to you.

But here we are, trying to put ourselves together after a painful breakup. The funny thing is whenever I am hurting, it is your chest I want to cry into. Whenever I feel lonely, it is your company I crave. Whenever I feel completely empty of hope, it is your comforting presence that I miss. Every time any of my friends manage to convince me to watch horror movies and I get terrified as usual, it is your hand I want to dig my nails into. I don’t know if it is the same for you. Maybe you’re already happier without me. But my heart is broken and it is causing me actual physical pain.

You made everything about my life a little extra special.

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It is now when you are no longer a part of my life that I realise the extent to which you made it better. I have always been pessimistic. I believe the world is a horrible place and that human beings are a horrible species. I cry every time I read about a terrorist attack or a suicide bombing or war. You were my happy space in the middle of all this chaos. You were that part of humanity I believed in. I still do, I think. I am no longer that sure.

Your presence in my life gave me the strength to survive. You made everything about my life a little extra special. The compliments you showered me with on a daily basis made every single outfit of mine special. Memories of everything from a casual, cheap coffee to a gourmet meal at a posh restaurant are somehow associated with you. Whenever I think back, I realise all my happy days were happy because you made them so. Right from our unplanned trip to long drives where we tried to leave our overwhelming worlds behind, it’s all you. It has always been you. And I don’t know what to do now.

I don’t even know how you are doing, forget about whether you still love me or not.

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I never lied when I said that I believed we were soulmates. Then how did we end up here? I am struggling so hard to understand why we parted ways. You said there was no other way but I never saw breaking up as an option. It hurt too much to even think about it. How could you take this decision so easily?

This distance feels so strange. I don’t even know how you are doing, forget about whether you still love me or not. And I was used to you describing every meal to the smallest detail. I wish I could tell you how much I miss hearing about your day with all its boredom, anxiety and joy. I miss trying to cheer you up. No other achievement is greater than finally making you smile. I wish I could tell you how much you meant to me, how happy you made me during the course of our relationship. And we were happy. Saying that we weren’t is a hurtful lie.

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. But alas, I can’t.

With loads of unanswered questions and love,

A girl with a broken heart.



Author: Maitreyee Mhatre

 

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