Oh, it’s even more appalling when you get to know how the whole thing happened!
Tinder is a lifesaver when you need to find a rebound after a break-up. And that’s what I did. I was going through a bad break up. The guy was my first love but he crushed my soul and never gave importance to my feelings. Our fights were getting worse and when he made a sexist remark and offended my friend, I told him that was our end. Well, it was all going to be fine then. A thing as unfruitful as being with that control freak had ended and I was looking at better things ahead while I swiped right on this guy.
My conversations with him were quite alright and we decided to meet. I was going to go on a first date all over again and I was excited. Maybe, the reason I had not found love in life until now was because I had not met him yet (wishful thinking, YAAAS). Dating felt like a breath of fresh air after being in a long controlling relationship. When he walked in through the door, he looked so handsome that all I could think of was getting ready for a new relationship.
We were just seeing each other after only talking virtually. So, I didn’t want him to pay for my bill.
I have always been a dreamer and maybe, that doesn’t work out so well for me. But I cannot stop being me. I like to see the good in others while trying to be the kindest I can be. So, I didn’t judge him when he yelled furiously at the waiter only because he forgot to bring some tissues. While we were talking, he asked a lot about my ex-boyfriend but I could only get so much out of him. It’s like he didn’t want to talk about himself and I thought maybe he was shy. But soon I understood it was only because he was hiding his manipulative tendencies.
He was surprised by the fact that I was earning money. All these years, women have been fighting for their right to be something other than just homemakers and it’s because of guys like him. He is a guy who is shocked that women have professions.
I hate to feel like I’m being paid for. Moreover, we were just seeing each other after only talking virtually. So, I didn’t want him to pay for my bill. When I offered to pay half the bill, he chuckled and sighed. He said a woman should not take care of the payment.
He said if I was married by now, I wouldn’t have to go through break-ups like this.
Forgive me if I’m wrong but this was not a case of a chivalrous kind man. He thought it was ridiculous that I would even think of paying for our meal. I would have been okay with the whole thing if he didn’t keep rubbing it in my face. I come from a very conservative family. I have had to fight for long, just to get my independence. If I was not earning on my own, I would have been wed off by now. When I explained this, he said it would have been for the better and that if I was married by now, I wouldn’t have to go through break-ups like this (Like, WHAT?).
The more we talked, the more his male ego got bruised. He stood as a flagbearer for male supremacy and misogyny. He even said that I was influenced by the West too much and had forgotten my culture because I was on a date. Needless to say, I developed bad blood with him on our first date. My words wouldn’t get through his head and yet he kept shaming me for meeting with men only to get validation from a “western” concept of dating (excuse me, were you not on tinder yourself, Mr. Culture?).
After the whole talk of him trying to tell me that I had no respect for my elders and that I had forgotten where my place is, I couldn’t take anymore. His love for patriarchy, judging me on societal standards, telling me of “female responsibilities” got too much and I got up to tell him to leave.
But you know what he did? He said at my age, I should be involved in childbearing and finding a husband and that he does not find it healthy for him to be seen with me. And he left. He dumped me on our first date, and all because I wanted to pay for my bill. Why do all of these men I date want to control me so much?
I am just glad that he left and never called me again. I felt humiliated but that is exactly what he was trying to do. I believe these men need an education in the discourse of patriarchy. Maybe, I will find someone decent in life. But until then, I will remain single and hang out with my friends who make it possible to have faith in men.
The girl who got dumped by a bigot.
Author: Harnoor Kaur