I know I can’t expect you to have an open mind at the moment, but this is the final answer to all your questions.
For any wife in the world, I don’t think the words ‘husband’ and ‘gay’ would even make sense in the same sentence. But here I am, trying to tell you about this hard-hitting revelation, which has been my reality ever since I can imagine.
So here it is, the naked truth: I’m homosexual, your husband and an unforgivable human being. I know that my sexuality was never in my control. But marrying you, hiding the truth from you, vowing to stay in the closet forever; all these things were in my hands, and I chose to do absolutely nothing about it.
Maybe that makes me a coward. I couldn’t come out to my parents, friends or colleagues. Even though we say that the world is progressing and LGBT rights are a ‘thing’ now. But honestly speaking, how many people in our country would readily accept a homosexual brother? A lesbian aunt? Or even a transgender cousin?
Did you feel my helplessness as I slept next to you with my back turned the other side?
This topic is still considered a taboo and it probably will for a few more years if not decades. But that still doesn’t explain our marriage and why I am choosing to come out to you now.
All I can say is, my conscience won over all insecurities. I died a little every time my parents tried to get me hitched via an arranged marriage. I wanted to scream so badly when they used to question me persistently and ask why I never liked any girl I met. Did you feel my helplessness as I slept next to you with my back turned the other side?
For me, marrying you seemed the easier way out. I was exhausted by the incessant interrogations and arguments which would blow up every time I refused to ‘settle down’. I was worried about my parents’ deteriorating health and the extent to which they are affected by what others think of them.
I still don’t know why you agreed for the wedding. After all, we barely knew each other before tying the knot. Maybe you had your own demons to deal with but I’m nobody to judge you for it.
I would never be able to love you the way a life partner is supposed to.
In my guilt of marrying you by deceit, I tried to be the best husband possible. I used to overcompensate on the standard things an average newly wedded guy was expected to do for his bride. During the one month of our marriage, I began seeing a friend in you. I love your honesty, selflessness and your shy laughter. Unfortunately, I would never be able to love you the way a life partner is supposed to.
I guess the worst part was seeing respect in your eyes. I was keeping a good distance from my own wife, not only because we were practically strangers, but also because I could never be physically attracted to a woman. You never spelt it out loud but your eyes said it all. Even though we were married on paper and were trying our best to prevent things from falling apart, it would never be enough.
It’s inevitable that we part ways. But among the background noise of the society, gossiping relatives and unhappy parents, I don’t think that I can ever forgive myself for what I did to you. Maybe one day you’ll move on and finally find the happiness you deserve. But believe me when I say that I never intended for this to happen. And if I could go back in time and change the past, I would. But you know I can’t.