Is it fair that you don’t even give me a fair chance at winning the race to death?

Life is hard as it is. (Yeah, you know that, what’s new?) Nobody needs a hope-crushing illness that has no cure. You are the elephant in the room in every house I visit now. So, it makes sense to address you directly. Let’s talk about the times I was able to make conversations without people giving me the sympathy look. No, let’s go way back– it was a bright day in March when I had gone out for a walk and fainted in the park. The next thing I remember is getting too many blood tests and being terrified of needles. Fast forward to some weeks, I am told of my cancer – me, really?
I had always been one of the kids who ate healthy and loved sleep, without any history of you in my family. You caught me off-guard, I’ll give you that.

Now, let’s talk about what you want to hear. You have been a turning point in my life. No fear that I conquered in life had prepared me for the pain that you brought. The doctors told me I would have to take some cycles of chemotherapy and when those didn’t work, they understood that you were here to stay.
By this time, I had forgotten my fear of needles because I was too familiar with them, then.

It hit me like a meteor one day that I’ve missed out on so much in life.


Due to some complications, a few more surgeries took place and they left me dead in spirits. My terminal illness, I have lost my hair, well-functioning of some organs, platelets and a lot of my will power to you. I thought to myself, “Death is already here, what am I running from?” I still go into that school of thought sometimes but most days I try to remember to see life as a kaleidoscope of feelings. Eventually, I’ll accept and appreciate my journey. I’ve been fighting cancer for over a year now, and they say I have a few more left – but how many, months or years, they don’t know.

I’ve tried to remain strong for my family and friends all this time but I’m only 27 and I don’t wish to die. It hit me like a meteor one day that I’ve missed out on so much. I’ll probably never get to see my sister’s children, or teach mine to ride a bicycle, I’ll never have a soulmate and I’ll never go to Egypt. I have tried seeing the world as much as I could, but it doesn’t interest me anymore (nor is it advised). You have not only crushed me physically, but mentally too.

Death has already won if we are debilitated by the fear of it.


I’m living on borrowed time and I’ve lived the past year in immense pain but recently I realized how little we talk about death, and that death has already won if we are debilitated by the fear of it.
I have been taking therapy and even though it’s the toughest task, I’ve tried making my peace with death. It will come for everyone, I just happen to know when and how. You might think I acted flippant when I decided to get a pet dog, or when I wanted to jump on a trampoline or how I’m rarely crying but it’s all a part of my way of dealing with you.

I’m not guilty of anything, it’s all you. I’ve not only learnt the importance of health, but also the importance of love. I am strong and brave most days and I help my mom believe in miracles. I’m not afraid of what’s coming. My family had to deal with you much as I’ve had but they know it’s coming too.
I’m at peace. I certainly could have earned a lot of love and respect if I had more time but I am content with my current stock too. Everyone who loves me knows I will be no more, and they say I’m the most courageous person they’ve met. It’s not entirely true but I write to thank you for I wouldn’t have known this without you. I’ve lived numbered days but as a whole, my life was as massive and fulfilling as a lifetime supply of free pizza.
I don’t look forward to the end of this overwhelmingly satisfying life I have led but I am surrounded by my loved ones who cry and laugh with me and who will cherish my memory till the end of their time. Please try not to come after them.
Focusing on my Blessings,
Your Carrier.

Author: Harnoor Kaur

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