I’m not the girl I was anymore.

It’s funny how people who have the least importance in our life, judge us the most. And we structure major parts of our personality around those judgements.

Why?

At the brink of my teenage, I had two options; either I could struggle with this question or I could walk away and change for the better. And today, as I write this letter to the toxic people of my past, I’m proud to say that I chose the latter option.

But let me tell you, moving on was probably one of the most difficult things I had ever done. When I say, ‘move on’, I don’t just mean it in the ‘bad relationships’ or ‘break up’ kind of sense. I mean it in every sense possible.

You move on from insecurities to self-love; from being the victim, to being a survivor.

It’s the battle scars which shape bright futures and make you new again.

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But precisely, who is this letter addressed to? What kind of personality change am I talking about here?

Well, the older generation might call this, ‘me being a drama queen’, I call it, ‘growing up’. Because let’s get real. Everyone goes through a phase where everything and everybody else seem fake. You have bad experiences which get imprinted on your mind forever. It’s the battle scars which shape bright futures and make you new again. It’s part of life! Honestly, if you have never dealt with bullies, body shaming thoughts and temporary people, you’ve been lucky. But at the same time, you’ve missed out on amazing life changing experiences!

This letter is not just for praising myself on the new milestone, it’s also a ‘thank you’ to those replaceable people for bringing me down, so I could rise up at the right moment and be the better person. Thank you, for criticizing me on my ‘heart of stone’, because of which, I’ve learnt compassion and how to love again. Thanks for rudely pointing out my overly forgiving actions, because of you, today the new me, is a better judge of character.

To tell you the absolute truth, I’m tired of adapting to survive.

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On the other hand, as much as I say, ‘It all happened for a reason’ or ‘I’m proud of being reborn’, I can’t help but miss the ‘old me’. I miss the innocence that got washed away with these new beginnings. Especially the times when I didn’t have to try so hard to accept that I’m not perfect, that I will make mistakes and I most definitely will get my heart broken; because everybody does. I miss eating without counting calories, making friends without being judgemental, going through everyday life without having to constantly change myself. To tell you the absolute truth, I’m tired of adapting to survive.

But I can’t change the past. Neither can I change the journey which has helped to evolve the ‘inner me’. It’s human nature, to be dissatisfied forever. So, I’m going to keep being proud of myself and criticize myself at the same time, at the same rate. That’s how we learn, isn’t it? My only request to backlashers, would be to stop underestimating my potential. You keep wasting your time judging someone who no longer cares about your views, based on an image that no longer exists. I’ve changed. When will you?

Please get used to seeing me in a new light,
Your Once Somebody.



Author: Alisha Jamshed Syed

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