Did I create you or you created me?

We have been archenemies for a long time now, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t leave me alone. You’ve seen the worst of me, you’ve seen everything I’m ashamed of and everything about me that keeps me down. It’s you who truly knows what I am capable of becoming. Sometimes, I think maybe the lack of love and care in my life made you so ruthless but maybe it was some fault in me that kept you tearing me apart.

I remember when things used to be great, before you started taking shape into what you are now. I was just a shy kid before it all began. You’ve taken many precious people from me. You’ve taken some of my family and friends. Well, I don’t even know if I ever had friends. Sometimes, I look at you and wonder whether the people I thought of as friends really did consider me the same, or was I just some weirdo for their amusement.

I know what you can do and I don’t question your capabilities anymore but maybe I should.

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I have lived a solitary life because of you. I am used to the idea that people leave and never come back. I don’t know how my life became just this. Or why it did. Right now, it is in equal parts a melancholy tune as it is, a pop song. It’s painful, yet comforting. All these contradictions are confusing me. I feel like this is where I belong and it doesn’t bother me anymore. I have lost track of any wishes I might have had. When I see people enjoying their time with their loved ones, laughing and giggling, it doesn’t make me envious. Just curious.

I have always believed that only selected people in this world have that luxury, and for me, it will be like settling on an entirely different planet. I’m just scared. I know what you can do and I don’t question your capabilities anymore but maybe…. I should.

Everyone I know is busy building a future and that’s all I want to do now.

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I am thinking of retaliating at you for everything you’ve been putting me through. Do I deserve it? You’ve beaten me up to the concrete. Everything is broken. I cannot accept to live with the humiliation of letting you become my future too. I’m sure you are a part of many more lives than mine and it’s sad to realize that you could always be there. Maybe you’ll never let go and continue feeding on our hope and love and happiness.

You’ve destroyed many friendships that I could have had in the present. I have been so broken that I’ve never trusted people. I was always lost in your abyss, trying to get out of it and I never have. I have some regrets but if I don’t fight you, I’ll have one more and it would be the biggest ever. Everyone I know is busy building a future and that’s all I want to do too. I think it’s time I release myself from your trap and indulge in hoping for better things.

Let’s leave what you and I have, behind. I cannot go on like this. For so long, I’ve been living under your shadow and hurtful memories that I’m almost close to being dead, alive. I cannot forget you but I can protect myself from getting hurt further. I am taking my future and present as far away from you, as possible. I will lock you in the cage you’ve locked me in for so long. Don’t think that I’m just ignoring you, I’m dealing with you. I’ll learn from you and ascend to a better place, and you are not welcome. This is a truce I’m forcing upon you.

Your Past Victim,

A Hopeful Human Being.



Author: Harnoor Kaur

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