But you know what? I’m more than thankful for your obsession!

I’d already predicted that such an opening to this letter might raise your eyebrows well to your thinning hairline.

Firstly, let me just say that I’m so glad you aren’t the typical mother-in-law who’s obsessed with the idea of grand-children. You’re not one of those women who’d go all out just to make sure that her son and his bride were getting enough action in bed!

On the other hand, I know you secretly want me to pop out grand kids ASAP but you’re too kind to even mention it, let alone be ‘obsessed’ with it!

And I use quotation marks around the word because it isn’t really an obsession for a mother’s heart, right? Most mothers are annoying about these things because it’s just another one of their million, twisted ways of showing love and affection! And my girlfriends who have such in-laws are extremely tired of people meddling with their sex lives.

And then, there’s me. The girl who is defying all universal laws of marriage and actually wants her mother-in-law to be obsessed with her sex life! All my friends think I’m completely crazy.

Ever since your beloved son has convinced me to move in with you, our sex life has completely gone for a toss.

1

Yes, I want you to be like those other stereotypical women and be openly curious about the ‘behind the scenes’ of your son and his wife (as wrong as that sounds). Still can’t figure out why? It’s easy, take a guess.

Because we don’t have any ‘behind the scenes’! It was that simple.

This might as well be a complaint letter. But the facts need to be laid out (no pun intended)! Ever since your beloved son has convinced me to move in with you, i.e. his family, our sex life has completely gone for a toss. The most romantic he gets is when he needs me to massage his head at night after work. And where does that leave me? With a snoring husband on the other side of the bed (Yes, my massages are that effective).

It’s not that I’m a raging nymphomaniac who doesn’t like to pamper her hubby with massages and wants sex all the time. But after a long, tiring day at work, it’s not the best feeling to see him chatting enthusiastically with you and Dad all night and creeping back into our sheets only to doze off.

It really hurts though, when my own husband is unable to make time for me.

2

I don’t even mind being chaste and pure (well, for the most part) under your roof. It really hurts though, when my own husband is unable to make time for me. I know he’s your son, but he’s a part of my life too. I need him to be around as much as you do, if not more.

I want you to bombard him with wishes for grand-children and great grand-children. Who knows, he might actually realise that we haven’t been ‘getting any action’ since ages! At least this way, I’ll be able to see the lovely face of my life partner more than just on waking up in the morning and snoring at night. I don’t even mind if he starts spending more time with me just because you told him to! Believe me, I’m that desperate.

Why haven’t I spoken to him directly, you ask? Well, it’s not that he isn’t very understanding, because he really is. I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. There’s no ‘nice’ way of putting this!

“Ever since we moved in, you barely make time for me!” – Too whiny.

“I want sex. Let’s move out.” – Not happening.

You see? Whatever I say or don’t say will make me the bad guy here! So please help out a fellow female in need; yes, mother-in-law? You know I love you as much as I love your son. But think about the days when you were just married. Some empathy and private space would be really nice.

Please improvise your demands for grand-children,
Your progressive daughter-in-law.



Author: Alisha Jamshed Syed

2 comments

  1. I’d rather have an untimely death than to live with my partner and agree to live under the same roof as my parents or in-laws. I’m more than happy to subsidise their autonomy but they can fuck off if they think they’re living with me. I need to spend most of my time at home naked whether my partner is around or not. I need silence from humanity when I’m home. I’m no good to anyone if privacy is a rare luxury because for me it’s how I breathe. I hope you earn more money and move the fuck out.

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