Because bleeding through ink is never enough.

Whenever my pen spilled thoughts over paper, I used to smile at how well those words expressed feelings I never knew I was experiencing. Growing up, writing gave me solace like no other art form ever could. But sadly, somewhere along the line, it hindered my capacity to raise my voice without a medium.

So, I guess all those who say that I have a split personality, wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Because I would never stare back at a pervert in a crowded train. But the writer in me wouldn’t think twice before penning down a satirical work on our misogynistic society.

Why do you not make yourself known, dear inner voice? I’m tired of having to lead a double life.

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I nod my head or keep it down when faced with controversies. Why do you not make yourself known, dear inner voice? I’m tired of having to live a double life. One, where you keep mum. And the second, where I force you out through each word, forming sentences in my brain.

The irony here is that, I can’t even be classified as an introvert. Maybe somewhere in between of a Type A and a Type B personality. Because, conversations were never the issue here! It’s the deepest thoughts which remain lost in their depths forever, until I have the courage to jot them down.

They say that there’s a right time for saying things and expressing your opinions. But when is the right time to tell your parents that they’ve been following rules built on patriarchy? You hide in the shadows of my soul, dear inner voice, while I continue to recite the words I’m supposed to, in response to everything I stand against of.

Thanks to you, I’m like a traveler in the desert who thinks all water is a mirage he’s not worthy of.

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Why do you make me suffer alongside my fragile heart, which has long lost its way? When will you buck up the courage to reveal yourself to the person I love the most? Yes, we both have dropped hints from time to time. But we’re an insecure bunch, aren’t we? I try to push you out, with my innermost thoughts and desires, but you refuse to grow louder. Thanks to you, I’m like a traveler in the desert who thinks all water is a mirage he’s not worthy of.

What happens to you during times of betrayal? Where were you when I lost my best friends? You couldn’t even call them out on their mistakes. You and me both, are guilty of suffering under wrong pretexts, of forgiving and forgetting; not because of the spaciousness of my heart, but because of our cowardice.

Is this how I’m supposed to live on? Not saying what I mean and not meaning what I say? That’s not entirely living, is it? If only I could merge all these personalities into one, would you be louder then? Bolder even? Maybe. A girl can surely hope.

I understand that some situations are too delicate for me to leave you without a leash, but I hope for a day when you won’t be needed anymore. Because on that day, you and I will become one. We’ll be one, strong, confident voice, standing for everything we truly believe in.

Wishing all insecurities goodbye,
Someone who is seeking courage within herself.



Author: Alisha Jamshed Syed

 

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