But the impact you’ve had, has changed my life forever.

I don’t know how others feel about déjà vu but for me it’s a sign to turn around and run in the opposite direction. Am I going crazy? I’d like to think not. Humans have a strong sense of self-preservation, right? Maybe that’s why I keep running from the slightest possibilities of recurring situations which might have caused me pain in the past. I thought I overcame all my phobias when I got out alive of the issues you put me through, dear fear. But guess I was wrong. Because now, I’m nothing but a hollow, scared human being who is and maybe will always be unable to bring the pieces of her life together.

People say tough winds make you stronger. They never said that they make you scared of sailing as well.

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The problem is, I don’t even know what’s right and wrong anymore. People say tough winds make you stronger. They never said that they make you scared of sailing as well. I’m still at crossroads about consulting my family and friends. Why, you ask? It’s just that some things in life are to be handled by you, all alone. As much as I feel like I need help to get back up on my feet, I’d like to spare my loved ones the grief and helplessness of seeing me the way I see myself.

Everybody goes through rough patches. It’s pretty normal. How you come out of it though, shows a lot about your will power and survival streak. A bad relationship may tear you apart. But what’s important is the ability to be able to love again. The death of a near one may stop time for you. But resuming your life again is what matters. In both these cases, I tried my best to confide in others, be the strong, independent woman I thought I was, but nothing seemed to work. I was lagging behind at work, at home, at life. No amount of motivation and inspiration seemed to solve the issue for me.

Instead of learning from mistakes, I was terrified to even think about making them.

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While grieving, I hurt those who had done nothing but provide me with emotional support. We tend to do that sometimes, right? I was hurting over the people I lost, the relationships that crumbled and my fear of everything just kept on multiplying. Instead of learning from mistakes, I was terrified to even think about making them. My personal issues went on to spread like a plague and started to affect everyone I knew.

At one point during all this chaos, I started to drink heavily, I wouldn’t come home on time, I’d isolated myself with the fear of attachment and the words peace and love had long gone out the window.

When I finally came to my senses (which would be just a few moments before I started writing this), I thought that maybe I had deteriorated my mental health as well. But then I realised that maybe I had exaggerated things a bit. So what if a few inspirational sayings aren’t enough to make me normal again? I have to try and overcome my fears. Because what good is such a life where you’re scared of anything and everything, right?

I’m not afraid to admit that I had a downfall and I took it hard. But I’m done being afraid and I’ll do everything it takes to bring my life back on track again; even if I need to start from the start.

With a new vision,

Someone who refuses to give up.



Author: Alisha Jamshed Syed

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