What made you think that the only way into my pants was through my heart?

I haven’t been able to stop laughing since we last talked. Every time I come close to stopping, your terrified face pops into my mind and I am at it again. By now, my tummy has started hurting and I might be growing six-pack abs. I mean, dude, you were actually shuddering while trying to break up with me. Am I that scary? Or did you secretly start developing feelings for me and got frightened of those?

While you wiped your brow with a handkerchief (back to being a mamma’s boy, are we?) and tried to explain why we absolutely had to end our relationship, I was secretly letting out a sigh of relief. You said I was getting too attached to ‘the idea of us’ and maybe I was, but that was some time back.

Things were going great at first. You were the perfect boyfriend who bought me chocolate when I had my period. You had me charmed. Then I realised you were also seeing other women behind my back and all my feelings evaporated into thin air.

Until that minute, I had been all for getting some action and leaving.

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It was less than six months ago that we were introduced to each other by our mutual friends. We had the same sense of humour (we loved bad puns). It wasn’t really a surprise to anyone when we hit it off. You took my number and asked me out for dinner that weekend. You went all out for our first date. You even got me red roses! It wasn’t Valentine’s Day. Why would anyone give red roses to their date? Unless they were trying to convert their single date into a long-term relationship because I really couldn’t think of a better reason then.

Until that minute, I had been all for getting some action and leaving. But those roses changed my mind and I started looking for something serious; only because I thought you were too.

Now, imagine, if only you would have been frank with me back then. You could have just told me that you weren’t really into commitment and we would have just gone to bed. Without those stupid, lying roses. Some phenomenal sex and we would have parted ways. No one had to get hurt.

We are sexual beings who at times, only want a nice, casual hookup without any of those bothersome strings attached.

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If you wanted a short fling with loads of sex, I would have been totally up for that. Yes, right at the start. But you had to generalise women and decide that the only way you would get to sleep with me would be to date me. You probably believed that only love would make me open my legs.

Let me tell you a secret. It’s the 21st Century and women do have sex without falling in love. We are sexual beings who at times, only want a nice, casual hookup without any of those bothersome strings attached. What we’d like instead of the fake roses and the declarations of love, would be a real orgasm. One that we wouldn’t have to fake.

I doubt we’re going to be talking after this (it must have hurt your ego that I burst out laughing when you dumped me) but let me assure you that I am not broken-hearted. On the contrary, I am waiting for my Tinder date to show up.

Still laughing,
Your ex.



Author: Maitreyee Mhatre

 

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