I don’t know if I am worthy of your forgiveness but my actions definitely call for an apology.
Actions have consequences. I have always been aware of this little rule but not as consciously as I am now. My actions have been so selfish and so fuelled with jealousy that I must have hurt so many people who are dear to me. I cannot begin to imagine the extent of damage my horrible conduct must have caused to my loved ones. I have no excuses to give. This is entirely my fault and I take responsibility for my actions.
All that you have ever done was to support me and love me. This is how I responded to your care. And yet you continue to love me to this day. I don’t think I deserve your forgiveness or your love. I don’t think I am worthy of it any longer. You have faced my tantrums and my anger in the most patient way possible. When I tried to commit suicide despite all your collective efforts to keep me alive and happy, you only showed concern and fear of losing me. You should have been angry. You could have abandoned me at that point. Instead, you showered me with even more love.
And look what I did in return.
But, all of you need to know that it was me who went wrong and not you
In the past few months, my mental health deteriorated further. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, except maybe mine. I chose to react to small problems in a drastic manner. I ended up making a mountain out of a molehill about every single thing.
Best friend, when you couldn’t meet me for coffee, instead of accepting that you were busy with work and family, I believed that you just wanted to ditch me. That you didn’t care for me anymore. That you had never cared for me to begin with. And then I started picking fights with you. I started petty arguments and tried to make you feel guilty at every possible opportunity. It was all because I was so afraid of losing you.
Mom, I refused your care. Every time you tried to help me get out of bed, I harboured anger towards you and I let this anger grow until I no longer wanted to speak with you. Then I stopped talking to you and ignored your pure and unconditional love. I thought you wanted to control me when all you wanted was to help me.
Boyfriend, you are someone I have possibly hurt the most. I expected you to save me every time the monster called depression knocked at my door. It was your duty to make me happy when nothing else could. And when you failed, I declared that you didn’t really love me. I accused you of cheating on me. I tried to push you away while breaking you down.
My sweetheart, my sister, you are a child. You barely understood what was going on with me and yet you tried to do your bit to make me feel better. You let me have the extra piece of chocolate. You cooked me pasta when I was hungry. You defended me every time someone tried to criticise my behaviour. Being the elder sister, I should have been the one to take care of you. Instead, I made you grow up and look after me.
I have been so cruel to every single one of you. I don’t think I even deserve to apologise to you. But, all of you need to know that it was me who went wrong and not you. You were perfect.
I promise you that I will love you enough to make every single bad memory fade away.
You deserved to be treated so much better than the way I treated you. You should have been on the receiving end of kindness, gratitude and love. I have failed you and I am so sorry for that.
Maybe what I have done is beyond forgiveness. Maybe our relationships have become too weak to be salvaged. But I love you and I promise that I will become a better person. I will grow and get out of this horrible place. I will get back to being the person you loved and who loved you. I promise you that I will love you enough to make every single bad memory fade away.
I am so, so sorry for everything I have done.
Full of regrets,
Someone who promises to get better.